Week 6-7; 60's Power-Pop; The Value of Drinking Alone

It's been awhile since the last update, so I figured we'd talk about everyone's favorite topic: fantasy football.

First on the agenda is free-agency madness. I have acquired free-agent gems recently, so if you'll allow me, I'll share them.

1. Big Ben: Sure, he assaulted a girl in a restroom. Who hasn't? As long as he passes for a few a week, I'll allow him some indiscretions. Shit happens, right?

2. Tim Tebow. And what I mean by "Tim Tebow" is: "Tim Tebow is going to annihilate the Miami Dolphins." I hate Tim Tebow. I hate the Florida Gators, the SEC, and his poor mechanics. I hate his stereotypical, self-righteous-sports-religion, but you know what? I love his fantasy potential. Rushing touchdown? Yes, please. Passing despite terrible mechanics? Sure! It doesn't matter if it's pretty, just score me points Jesus H. Football!

3. Carson Palmer: a.k.a.: Trade Fodder. That's right. There will be someone, mark my words, in deeper leagues that needs a quarterback. And who's gon' be there for sweetie? Yep. Big poppa. I'm accepting trade offers.

Second on the agenda is my awesomely-timed trade.

Matt Shaub and Andre Johnson for Matt Forte.

Yep. Matt is not a sure-thing, although wonderfully consistent. That seems like an oxy-moron, but he's fluctuated in points recently, and also has some nagging injuries. Couple that with AJ's injuries, and the fact that they're teammates, and I was thinking fire sale. AJ will probably pull out of this, as will Shaub, but I'm thinking Forte is a great deal for the two of these chumps, especially given the fact that I'm soon to have Matt Ryan as a backup to Big Ben and Tim Tebow. Hell, if Carson Palmer shows up, maybe I'll give him a start when I'm feeling ballsy.

Fact remains: Matt Forte is going to tear it up this week. Good trade? Try great.

Also great: Tommy James and the Shondells, underrated kings of '60's power-pop. "I Think We're Alone Now," "Mony, Mony," "Draggin' the Line," "Sweet Cherry Wine" and "Crimson and Clover" are the most, and I repeat, THE MOST underrated '60's songs, period.

Are they in the rock 'n roll hall of fame? They should be.

Finally: I enjoy colons: and drinking alone. It provides me with a sense of clarity that I could otherwise not attain. When people talk I tend to cringe, and that hurts my writing.

Here's to Captain Morgan, a keyboard, and Kanye: you inspire me.

The Beginning of the End; or Lip Eaters Must Die!; or Fantasy Update, Week Four

What a week, football fans, what a week. I think my football week can be summarized rather succinctly:

1. Andre Johnson is hurt. Shit. I will never get past 100 points in my fantasy league, which meas loss after loss after loss.

2. Aaron Rodgers, dude WTF? 54 fantasy points in one week? Wow. Freaking amazing. But you know, two rushing touchdowns and four touchdown passes will do that for you. Go Pack.

3. Chiefs win! Chiefs win! Five field goals! Chiefs win! It was an ugly win, but a win nonetheless. I'll take it. I still don't think they'll win more than four games, and Haley should still be fired for dressing like a piss-soaked hobo on the sidelines, but a win's a win.

4. My new fantasy football team name is appropriate given my 1-3 record: Sweet Clown Beefs.

5. Beanie Wells, I just crapped myself and am mailing you the shorts. 31 points? Dear man, I could kiss you...in a totally heterosexual way, like on the hand or something.

6. Dear large woman who sat at the table next to me at Tanner's Bar and Grill: your shirt was way too small, and you don't eat ranch with your face. You looked like a beach ball trying to eat Elmer's glue with a screwdriver.

7. Why do people get food stuck in the corners of their mouths? It really grosses me out. Oreo crumbs, tomato soup, ranch dressing...blech...I could vomit, which is what happens when you've actually eaten food with your mouth and not your nostrils, cheeks, ear-holes, sideburns, neck beard, etc.

8. Detroit Lions: woot.

9. NBA season? Anybody? The NBA is like the reformed bully on the playground. He acted nice for awhile, even after beating the hell out of his favorite follower (RON ARTEST). People even started to like him. Then the greedy side came out. Owners, players, it doesn't matter; you're all greedy. I just want to watch some hoops. What's sadder than anything is that the NBA had recently gone through a transformation. The plethora of young talent, the competitive playoffs, the return of the Celtics and Lakers rivalry, the Super-Satanic-Team-of-the-Apocalypse (Heat), like it or hate it, the NBA was making a legitimate comeback. I can't think of a worse time to have a potentially season-erasing lockout. Oh, and David Stern looks like his head is going to burst like a blood-filled water balloon every time I see him.

10. To all the readers: thanks for leaving comments. Your feedback (a running and whopping ONE comment has been incredibly helpful. No really, stop acting interested.

11. Sleep? What sleep?

12. I realize at this point that my blog has been nothing but sports. My apologies; I am a three-dimensional human being.

13. BASEBALL PLAYOFFS BABY! Let's go DETROIT! PHILLY! TAMPA! BREW MEN, SUMMON THE SPIRIT OF PAUL MOLITOR! YANKEES CAN SUCK A FAT WHITE DOG TURD.

14. If you haven't read Game of Thrones, you totally should. Read the whole series in fact. I'm in book three right now, and I'm fairly certain it's my favorite book/series of all time, and it will take me all time to read it (it's seriously long).

15. I'm turning 29 soon, which means the beginning of the end of the party is upon us. True metal can never die, but it can get old and tired and frustrated.

And with that, I'm out.