Dear readers,
I need to apologize. All three of you have come to expect greatness from wetrevenge.blogspot.com. Unfortunately, my fantasy team, The Masters of Napalm Karate, failed to deliver greatness in weeks 7 and 8. As such, I will be killing myself tonight. Don't try and stop me; I'm ending it all.
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Psych! Suicide-fake-out! Is there anything funnier? How about barely winning a game by four points in week 7, and losing to an 0-7 team in week 8 that had three players on bye? Ha ha!
No seriously, I'm f*#king pissed.
Let's recap my awesome implosion that's landed me at 4-4, on the bubble of the playoffs, and behind my division rival, Team Edward (cringe).
Problem Number One: Matt Forte was on bye.
Problem Number Two: Desean Jackson is an asshole.
Problem Number Three: Roddy White was on bye, and is an asshole.
Problem Number Four: Neither Ryan Torain or DeAngelo Williams could find their testicles. No seriously, this should be an amber alert. They're missing like baby Lisa.
Problem Number Five: Michael Vick won't throw to anyone named Desean, and therefor, is an asshole.
Problem Number Six: Dan Bailey can't kick any field goals while Dallas gets ass pounded.
Problem Number Seven: My tight end didn't play.
Problem Number Eight: Beanie "My Knee Has A Boo-Boo" Wells did play. And scored 15 points, which would have been enough for me to beat my sucky opponent by one point. I hate life.
Here's a running diary of my emotional roller coaster Sunday afternoon, to the tune of NBA 2K12:
2:30 pm: "This is sweet! NBA 2K12 has Larry Legend on the cover!
2:35 pm: "WTF is wrong with this game? I'm losing by twenty in the first quarter to the Hawks! This is not how this game happened."
2:45 pm: "I just ruined Larry Legend's legacy by giving him a shooting percentage of 20 and fouling him out in the third quarter."
3:00 pm: "Wait, I'll check the fantasy scores!"
3:01 pm: "I'm losing. To a team that's 0-7. By twenty."
3:05 pm: "I'll create a player and run him through all the authentic trials of a REAL NBA rookie!"
3:15 pm: "Wait, I have to do interviews? I feel like I'm applying for a job."
3:16 pm: "I don't care anymore. I'm answering all of the questions with the most asshole response available."
3:30 pm: After fifteen minutes of hearing fake David Stern talk during the most boring fake draft filled with fake players: "Yay, I just got drafted by the '76ers. I've always wanted to play for the '76ers. Shit."
3:45 pm: "Why can't I make a shot?"
3:50 pm: (controller thrown to ground) "F&*& you, Xbox!"
4:00 pm: "I'll check the fantasy scores!"
4:01 pm: "I'm winning by one! Big Ben is my baby daddy!"
7:00 pm: "NBA 2k will be better this time around. I don't know why, but I feel optimistic."
7:01 pm: "I'll start a dynasty."
7:02 pm: "I'll turn off fair trades."
7:03 pm: "I'll trade Chumps McAssclown for Blake Griffin. Tee hee."
7:30 pm: "Why can't I make a shot?"
7:35 pm: "Celtics lose first home game; Blake Griffin leads team with five points."
7:40 pm: "I'm shutting this shit off."
7:45 pm: "I'll check the fantasy scores!"
7:50 pm: "I'm winning by one. Still. Shit."
8:45 pm: (Michael Vick is humping the Cowboys into submission): "God I hope Dan Bailey and Desean Jackson can score a combined ten points to beat this crappy 0-7 team!"
8:46 pm: "Wait, if Desean scores, Vick scores. Dammit."
8:47 pm: "Maybe Desean can just run the ball, or maybe Vick can throw an interception that will then be fumbled to Jackson, who will then run the ball back 99 yards for a touchdown. Shit."
9:30 pm: (My wife asleep, me checking my phone for fantasy scores in the dark) "Damn, damn, damn." My wife: "What?" Me: "Nothing."
And scene.
This week, I might actually win, except my opponent has Aaron Rodgers. Here's hoping that Aaron Rodgers gets his third concussion and never plays again.
I hate fantasy football.
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