Week 2 of the fantasy football season was eerily like week one: a loss to a girl. And while last week focused more on the fact that I lost to female coworker, this week I'd like to focus more on the powder-puff players on my fantasy team. Let the shout outs begin!
First, Matt Schaub: thank you sir for scoring a respectable 23 points, only one point behind Phillip Rivers. I never asked much of you, but you're consistently delivering solid weeks. God bless you, and for god's sake, throw Johnson the ball. No really...
Andre Johnson: Thank you for scoring fifteen points. If you bump it up to twenty next week, I'll write a blog post all about you. Have you seen how much traffic this thing gets? I could have three comments by the end of the season.
Beanie Wells: Again, thanks for the fifteen points. I never expected much from you, so thank you. If you score over twenty, I'll poop my pants and mail you my shorts.
Reggie Bush: you cheating piece of crap. I'm glad they took your Heisman. You suck. One point? Put me in, and I'll get at least two. Who the hell you do play for, the Dolphins? Oh wait...
DeSean Jackson: you DeSuck DeAss. You're supposed to be a big down-field threat. You scored two points. I attribute this to a few things: you're small, fragile, and Michael Vick sucks under pressure (and is thus overpaid). But still homeboy, two points? At least Reggie Bush had a Heisman to strip. You just stink like the shorts I'm mailing to Beanie.
Roddy White: Hey man, way to go! You quadrupled DeSean's DeScore! For eight points! Sweet jesus, I don't know what to say! Score more next week, or I will literally kill myself and tell god you made me do it.
Tyson Chandler: I never expected much from the tight end position, but you outscored my opponent 7-6. Thank you kindly, sir. You're 6'7, so I'm hoping that since you're a freakishly large target with great hands that you'll really come through for me in the coming weeks. Atta boy!
Josh Scobe: Five points can't be your fault, but I should have run my other kicker, who out kicked you 10-5. Oh well. You'll pull through, Norwood.
Lastly, in news unrelated to fantasy football, the Chiefs will not win a game this year, period. They lost 48-3 against the Detroit Lions. I don't care that everyone says that the Bills and Lions are turning a corner: we're making them look like CHAMPS. We. Freaking. Suck. Admit it Chiefs fans. Quit making excuses. Our team sucks, and above all else, our coach sucks.
I will buy season tickets if I can watch Haley get kicked in the balls by a mule no fewer than ten times.
I hate you Chiefs. Boo.
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