I Will Lose 12 Games This Season

Fantasy football fans, I'm off to a slow start. I recently suffered a 98-81 loss to a coworker of mine.

A female coworker.

I know, I sound sexist, especially given the emphasis I put on the line containing "female," but I'm hurt, you know?

I'm not saying I had the best fantasy draft. I didn't. I actually was trying to simultaneously watch the replay of UFC Rio while drafting on my phone...in a basement that has more shielding than a fallout shelter. Needless to say, ESPN.com drafted for me.

I can't complain. I ended up with some amazing wide receivers, but my amazing wide receivers couldn't get it done on their own.

I'm calling for Tom Coughlin's head.

I ended up with the Giants' defense who mustered me, prepare yourselves, an amazing (don't wet your pants) 4 points. Four. Quatro. Three more than one.

Suck to the ass.

The difference in our scores? She had the Eagles defense, which scored her 17 points. What's the difference between 17 and 4? I don't know, but it's a lot. It's the difference between pre-school and high school, between bed-wetting (I had a problem) and peeing in the neighbor's bushes (I had a problem), between girl-hating and awkward make-out sessions in your parents' basement (sorry mom), the difference between a win and a loss.

A loss to a girl.

And what's wrong with my coworker anyway? Doesn't she know that the male ego is a fragile thing? What am I to say to all the young men who look up to me when they ask: "Hey, Schwartz, how's your fantasy league?"

"It's great gentlemen; I'm getting punked by the petite English teacher down the hallway. Yeah, the one who's really nice and wouldn't hurt a fly and well, yeah, she kicked my ass."

Which is why Tom Coughlin should be fired. He should be fired for all the men in work pools who got punked this week thanks to his sorry-ass defense. It's also why, and listen up here girlies, you need to let the males in your life win at everything.

Do you really need to win? I mean, in the history of the world, haven't you won enough already? The list of things is endless!

1. Voting.
2. Competitive Salaries.
3. Title IX.
4. The WNBA.
5. Roller Derby.
6. Sewing the American Flag.
7. Sarah Palin.
8. The miracle of child birth.
9. Corsets.
10.Feminism.

See? Give us guys a fighting chance. Fantasy Football, though an equal-opportunity activity, is clearly for males. I completely advocate for women joining leagues, but winning? Leave that to the boys. We need it.

I'm crying. No seriously, leave me alone.

And screw you Coughlin. I'm watching you.